Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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