Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
