atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
