I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
