I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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