Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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