i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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