Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He passed out mid-signature
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
