I am in a vortex of obligation.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
