I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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