I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
