Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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