I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
