I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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