Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
