Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
