If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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