I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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