Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
