the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So much rum. So many feels.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
