i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
