Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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