Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
