If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think I just sharted jello shots
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