I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
