I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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