you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
