Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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