That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
