I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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