I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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