i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why do cheetos always look like penises
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
