a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
