She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
