Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
