I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
