She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
