U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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