Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
