I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
