My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
