True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
operation have a gay friend backfired
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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