That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
