how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
