i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
