He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
