the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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