I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
