Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
