Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
