i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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