I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
